Wulfweard the White

Obama goes after the Irish Vote

by prydwen @ 05/10/2008 – 20:05:14

Question of the night

by prydwen @ 04/10/2008 – 19:23:10

As asked on Answerbag tonight. What is the best and worst job for a zombie?

Today I left Lewes Prison for the next 18 months (or maybe for the last time). I have taken a secondment working for HQ in London and start on Monday.
Considering that I have been in the employ of the prison service for over 9 years I was surprised that my leaving was more of a whimper than a bang.

The strangest thing was the farewell I got from the prisoners was more heart felt than most of the guys and girls that I have called 'friends' all this time. In fact my boss even took the day off today so I didn't even get to say goodbye to him.

Anyway Monday is not far away and who knows where it will lead. See I am cheering up already.

Shoot the proof reader

by prydwen @ 02/10/2008 – 10:50:15

An article on the 9NEWS.com website about strange lumps of meat washing up on a New Jersey Beach was accompanied by the following picture...

Knife culture

by prydwen @ 30/09/2008 – 18:57:55

Amazing

by prydwen @ 29/09/2008 – 20:11:19

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

by prydwen @ 29/09/2008 – 19:55:22

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include the following:

The "Hurricane Katrina Room," which is still under construction.
The "Alberto Gonzales Room," where you won't be able to remember anything.
The "Texas Air National Guard Room," where you don't even have to show up.

The "Walter Reed Hospital Room," where they don't let you in.
The "Guantanamo Bay Room," where they don't let you out.
The "Weapons of Mass Destruction Room," which no one has yet been able to find.
The "National Debt Room" which is huge and has no ceiling.
The "Tax Cut Room" with entry only to the wealthy.
The "Economy Room" which is in the toilet.
The "Iraq War Room." Another toilet. After you complete your first visit you find yourself going go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes a fifth time.
The "Dick Cheney Room," in an undisclosed location, complete with shotgun shooting gallery.
The "Environmental Conservation Room," still empty.
The "Supreme Court Gift Shop," where you can buy an election.
The "Airport Men's Room," where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The "Decision Room" complete with dart board, Magic 8-ball, Ouija axis-of-evil board, dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will also come equipped with electron microscopes to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Message from Her Majesty

by prydwen @ 29/09/2008 – 11:45:12

TO: ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

FROM: THEIR SOVEREIGN MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II

___________________________________________________________

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and
'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -
roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,
and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.

Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

(Signed)

ELIZABETH R.